Pipers Piping: Eleven of my favourite things
Lords a-Leaping: Ten things I like about my personality
Ladies Dancing: Nine facts about my body
Maids a-Milking: Eight things I like about my friends
Swans a-Swimming: Seven foods I dislike
Geese a-Laying: Six quirks
Golden Rings: Five shiny things I like
Calling Birds: Four things I dislike about my life
French Hens: Three rivals/enemies
Turtle Doves: Two people I like
Partridge in a Pear Tree: My one love
This is going to sound terribly naff, but I honestly don't have anyone in my life who could qualify as either of those descriptions so I'm going to change this slightly to three famous people I don't like.
1. Katie Price (the same goes for all those no-talent reality TV nonentities, the likes of the Kardashians and Kerry Katona). These people, who were clearly at the back of the queue when class and self-respect were being dished out, are the role models for the modern age, sadly. They peddle the lesson that all you need to do is inflate your tits, spread your knees and sell publicity rights for your fallopian tubes to the highest bidder to achieve fame and fortune. Oh yes, and don't forget to get married in some lavish ceremony with all the elegance and sophistication of a bunfight in Barbie-land to some passing has-been (or never-was) and punch out a couple of kids when your star starts to wane.
Katie Price - and your ilk - I despise you and everything you stand for.
2. Tony Blair. Sorry, I don't know why, but there was something about that man right from the beginning that made my skin crawl. To me he was unctious, false and shallow. I had him (and his wife) pegged as a pair of freeloading parasites long before the truth emerged.
3. Andy Murray. Sorry, I know this is a contentious one, but no. I'm sure he's a decent guy but I just can't warm to him.